I am not the 99%
When I worked as a telemarketer for an investment company I was asked if I was the 99% or the 1%. I asked the man why he wanted to know and he responded with “I would not want to invest my money with a 99%er.”
I responded with: “Well, I’m not exactly sure.”
He wasn’t too pleased with that response. “How do you not know what you are? Do you make enough money to be in the 1% or not?”
After about a second or so of silence I came up with the perfect answer. “I am not in the 1% because I don’t make enough money to be and I’m not in the 99% because I don’t complain all the time.”
The man ended up taking the survey I had to offer.
About My Flawless Victory
I. INTRODUCTION This note has been drafted to illustrate my victory over Katelyn Deans over the matter of a fanpage. In this note, I will give you (II) objectives of the fanpage, (III) the outcome of the fanpage, (IV) the aftermath of the fanpage, and (V) the reasons why it is a definite victory on my side. You have been tagged in this as witness to my flawless victory over Katelyn Deans and are invited to post your input in the comment section. II. OBJECTIVES OF “KATELYN KATIE DOUGHNUT 2 X 4” My objectives for creating and maintaining the fanpage were as follows: A. Solidifying a nickname that Deans will forever hate. B. Annoying, hindering, or further bothering Deans in an over the top way. C. To make sure that Deans says “You know what?” once more. D. To create another reason for Deans to “punch me in the face.” E. To create another ridiculous fanpage (See: “Dragon Bear,” “Captain Lady Pleaser,” and “Dr. Smooth”). F. To alter emotion in Deans. G. For the lulz.These are in no particular order of importance or greatness. III. OUTCOME OF “KATELYN KATIE DOUGHNUT 2 X 4” The outcome of this fanpage yeilded the expected responses. Firstly, I had an excuse to create another fanpage (E). Secondly, creating this fanpage and spending time on it showed Deans’ frustration when she reported the page (B)(F). Upon first discovering the page, Deans responded with her two most common retorts, being (C) “You know what?” without a follow up and (D) a threat to “Punch [me] in the face.” In doing so, this page solidified a nickname that Deans has been known to hate for years (A), which further demonstrates objectives B and F. And, of course, every single example of these outcomes help fully achieve objective G on multiple charges with multiple people (See: Mosely and George). IV. AFTERMATH OF “KATELYN KATIE DOUGHNUT 2 X 4” After Deans reported the fanpage (which is now known to solidify objectives B and F) on grounds of infringement, a clear victory was hailed over me. However, why stop when you’re already ahead? I chose to further illustrate objectives B and F by taking it a step further. I did so by instilling the feeling of guilt. I exaggerated the status of my Facebook profile in order to create feelings of guilt within Deans (and further capitalizing on objective B and F). Deans even admit that it worked via a Skype conversation (which solidified objective G). V. PROOF OF DEFINITE VICTORY On multiple counts I have completed every single one of my objectives. I even discredited her attempt at an unfair victory of sabbotage by instilling feelings of guilt in her. Meanwhile, lulz flew everywhere. By creating objectives, seeking them, achieving them, AND flanking her pitiful attempt at revenge, one cannot see any other outcome other than a flawless victory. And that is all.
Girls think they have it bad?
Here are ten reasons why it sucks to be a guy:
10. We
9. Always
8. Have
7. To
6. Put
5. Up
4. With
3. Women
2. Constantly
1. Complaining.
-AXH-
Dear krystalashley,
Please stop flooding my Tumblr homepage with posts that are the following format:
L0L IF U REEPOHST MUH TEHN 0N3 J1LL10N P33PZ WILL FAWLOW YA
You don’t think it bothers people. But this is what it looks like to me:
IM SO DESPURATE 4 TEH FAWLOWURZ LAWL U R NOH BAWDY IF YA DNT HAZ 0N3 J1LL10N FAWLOWURZ PLZ PLZ PLZ FAWLOW MUHHH :’(
This is probably what it looks like to you:
If I repost this, I will literally have MILLIONS OF JILLIONS of followers. Wouldn’t that be cool? Maybe I’ll be famous one day because I repost all sorts of things! :D
What you don’t know is that it has the exact opposite effect.
It makes me want to stop following you.
So, to be more accurate, they should say:
L0L IF U REEPOHST MUH TEHN P33PZ WILL GIT ANNOIED ATCHA N TEHN STAWP FAWLLOWING YA N TEHN U WNT HAZ FRENDZ N TEHN ULL DIE FOHREVA ALOOOOONE
This is an intervention.
You are bothering the people around you.
Stop it.
Thank you.
-AXH-
The Moment I Found My Worth.
Thursday night was a fairly easy night at the retirement home I work at. I wasn’t too busy, my tables were good people, and I stayed on top of my work. Nothing could have ruined my day.
That is, until a party of eight was sat at my table (the most people we have at one table is normally six). There was one resident in the party and the rest were guests (who I assume was her family), who typically require quicker service. I prepared myself, took a couple of deep breaths, and walked into the challenge of serving them with a smile.
As it turns out, they were all very nice and understanding people. They didn’t seem to mind if their food came out a little bit later than expected, they laughed at all my jokes, and they genuinely seemed to be having a fun time with me. They asked me to take their pictures with various cameras, joked around with me, and all sorts of fun and exciting activities.
After I served them their desert, I was sure to use the joke that I use every day; “If you enjoyed my service, be sure to write a comment on the back of a hundred dollar bill and give it to me.” Everybody laughed (they always do). When I was about to walk away, the resident grabbed me by my arm. She really wanted to tell me something, I could see it in her eyes.
“I’m so glad you were our server tonight,” she said.
I responded with “Oh, stop! You’re making me blush!” (Everybody laughed.)
She continued with “No, I really mean it,” her eyes started tearing up as we made deep eye contact and she used her other hand to hold mine, “Because my husband died last night and he told me you were his favorite server.”
My heart dropped.
Just a little backstory: her husband was blind. Whenever I served him at the restaurant, I was sure to introduce myself by name. Whenever I delivered his food, I always made sure to tell him exactly where I was putting it. I would say things like:
“I’m putting your fruit cup to the right of your soup.”
“The carrots are on the right side of the plate and the chicken is in the middle.”
“The Spaghetti is in it’s own separate bowl to the left.”
The resident continued, here eyes tearing as she spoke, “You always told him where his food was. Most of the other servers never did, and he would have to feel around the table until he found everything. I just want to thank you for doing so.”
I was speechless. All I could say was “Wow… now I’m really starting to blush!” And I was. My face was burning up, and I was smiling that I could have impacted somebody by doing just a simple little gesture. Who would have known that something so small could have left that much of an impact?
That was the exact moment I found my worth.
They stood up and filed out of the dining room. Each of them telling me their salutations and I returned mine. The resident was sure to send me a smile as she walked out the door, and I was sure to blush, smile, and politely wave, since it was all I could do from being speechless. I’m sure the gesture still spoke more than words can say.
